He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
Randomize
