I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
