my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
Randomize
