my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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