Free body shot off of Sarah. Expires never.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
Randomize
