how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
