If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize
