If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
