A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Randomize
