watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
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