I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
Dignity is for republicans.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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