today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
She has the best kind of daddy issues
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
I need water and some morals
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
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