You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
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