I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
