when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
Randomize
