T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
