Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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