i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
