I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
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