HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
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