just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
What a dumb baby whore.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
