If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
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