I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
