i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Can you bring me the toilet please
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
Randomize
