I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
