So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
And people are going to start dressing like that in public, it's just ridiculous, the goths and now the GAGAs
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Randomize
