I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
