True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
idk what id do withouhrh yoy btro
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
Randomize
