I want to make a zoo with you.
Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Randomize
