She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
I just forgot I was standing up.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Randomize
