Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
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