I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
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