and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
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