Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
idk what id do withouhrh yoy btro
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
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