The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
my shit smells like andre
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
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