my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
bio was interesting today. swabbed my mouth to see what the cells where, ha. found a sperm cell. he was just that awesome
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
Randomize
