Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
Randomize
