just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Randomize
