oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
