I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
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