Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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