No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
No I am not eating basil off your cock
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
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