I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
Randomize
