you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
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