My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
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