Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
