I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
