I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
am i the only one who finds it a little awkward seeing as we all made out last night?
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