The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize
