i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
The air was thick with penises
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
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